There’s a sign at my local station which says, “Do not trespass on the railway”. Well, I saw this morning that somebody has been at it with a marker pen. You’ll never guess what they did.
Before I tell you, please make sure you are seated comfortably and that you are not holding a container of tea, coffee, Ovaltine or other hazardous beverage, which could prove lethal if spilled during a spontaneous outpouring of mirth.
After a really crappy day at work, this report in the Register was exactly what I needed to cheer myself up.
Here’s the plan – set up auction, post nice pictures, include full details and wait for the bids to roll in.
Or rather, wait for the emails to roll in. Hundreds of ‘em, as every muppet and wag in the land jumps on the “bait the vendor” bandwagon.
It’s time we continued our occasional series, looking at the thoughts and opinions of the loyal readers of public transport freesheet Metro.
The opinions of these people are of special interest, as I’m guessing a fair number do not normally buy a paper and therefore are unaccustomed to having their views represented in the press. Any political movers and shakers wanting to engage with the public at large would do well to consider this overlooked demographic.
With that in mind, here’s my choice extract of the day from today’s Metro letters page:-
After reading reports about the 11-year-old boy who found a snake in his loo, I awoke this morning after my boyfriend had left for work, only to find a lifeless brown corn snake in my toilet. Although it may not be venomous, it omits (sic) an offensive aroma. Is this just a defence mechanism or should I contact the RSPCA?
Thank you, dear reader, for that enlightening correspondence. To everyone else, I apologise for wasting a whole minute of your life (2 minutes if you’re a slow reader).
Over-the-top crazy personalities, technical cockups and awkward, unfunny banter in broken English between hosts. Yes, The Big Breakfast was good for all those things. Unfortunately it’s no longer on the air, so we’ll have to make do with Eurovision instead.
I liked Non-Biological Daz Sampson’s song (bear in mind this endorsement comes from the proud owner of a Fast Food Rockers single) and was disappointed to see it do so poorly. Maybe it’s karmic retribution for that stupid interview in Metro on Friday, where he said (hopefully sarcastically) that he dreamed of being the next Shane Richie.
What the hell people were thinking when they voted for Finland, I don’t know.
I also fervently hope that no-one in the entire world ever has to see the Netherlands announcer (on screen or in person) ever again. The Fathers4Justice protesters should have invaded his show instead of the Lottery.
The BBC have kindly provided a copy of the best bit of TV presentation ever — the BBC News 24 countdown music — in a super-extended three minute mix version!
Only available as a low-bandwidth RealAudio stream, sadly, but still… enjoy!
UPDATE: I discovered the web site of the composer, David Lowe, who has several bits of BBC News music available for download as WMA files from his site. You’ll need to sign up for the Members Area on his site, but its free.
Tonight’s Liverpool Echo has an advert for Lee Lard’s Peter Kay Experience:-
As the only Peter Kay Tribute in the country, not only does he look like him, and sound like him, but many audiences think it really is him!
What on earth is the point of this? Surely if you want to see a man who looks and sounds like Peter Kay, you’d go and see… er, Peter Kay?
Doctor Who looks quite good this week; I’m keenly anticipating the sight of Andrew off CBBC fighting the Cybermen.
Anyway, there’s another TV programme you should be watching tonight. Over on ITV1 at 9.10pm is Denis Norden’s 13th Laughter File, and this one is notable because he’s retiring after this one, having done countless outtake shows since the first Alright on the Night in 1977.
It’s a format that’s been imitated countless times (by the great Terry Wogan, the loathsome Steve Penk and the hopeless Anne Robinson) but no-one else does it with this level of panache. The quality control seems a bit higher on Norden’s shows, whereas everyone else is quite happy to show endless virtually identical clips of Neil Morrissey fluffing his lines and saying “fuck”.
So yes, Denis Norden shall be missed by me. Even so, I’m going to tape it and watch it later, so I can fast-forward through the inevitable unfunny, overlong Bob Hope clips.
Big Brother’s back next week and the football World Cup starts in June.
Should I just leave the country for the next three months?
The BBC addresses the key question of the moment: What would Jesus drive?
I have nothing to add, except to say bless you, Paul Carey of Valencia, Spain, for brightening up my day with this comment:-
I distinctly remember reading my bible thoroughly and coming to the conclusion that Jesus must have driven a Honda. “For I did not speak of my own Accord…” – John 12:49
Blah blah blah, Celebrity “Apprentice” for Comic Relief (registration required to read article). But look what’s tucked away right at the bottom of the article:
It will be the latest in a string of celebrity shows on BBC1. … A celebrity horse-riding show, Only Fools on Horses, will air in the summer.
Only Fools on Horses! Do you see? It’s a hilarious pun, and it’ll still be just as funny on episode 10 as it was the first time!
A £50 cheque is on its way to me from YouGov within 1 calendar month! Hurrah!
