Fertility clinics are facing a “national crisis” because of a shortage of sperm donors, say experts.
Maybe I should donate my sperm. I’m not going to impregnate a woman any other way, after all. And if enough ladies pick up my magic seed, I could sire a small army of little Roberts across the country. That would be excellent.
It would be the best thing ever if there was an American radio station called WANK.
This always happens. I go out shopping during my lunch hour and people assume, just because I’m wearing a shirt and tie, that I must work in the shop. Within 5 minutes of entering Next, I had fended off three separate inquiries of, “do you work here?”
It occurred to me later that I could have taken advantage of this to amuse myself. I could easily have replied in terms such as, “yes I do work here, and could you kindly leave as we don’t want your sort in here,” or, “You want those in a 32 inch waist? We’re being a bit optimistic there aren’t we? Ask at the counter for our out-size ordering service,” or a simple, “SECURITY! WE HAVE A SUSPECTED SHOPLIFTER HERE!”
I’m too nice to do anything like the above, but it’s an interesting idea for someone with anti-social tendencies to try out.
Can you guess icLiverpool’s new nickname for Dreamspace, the public artwork which came to a disastrous end at Chester-le-Street last week?
Our office in Liverpool City Centre backs on to a Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant. About half an hour ago they started cooking for the lunchtime rush and the delicious smells of various Oriental delicacies are wafting up through the open window.
In addition to being miserable, I now feel absolutely starving. 
Poor little Max has been suffering, bless him. Everything was fine until Monday night, but he was limping quite badly when I got home from work and couldn’t put any weight on one of his paws at all.
His leg was obviously painful, but he seemed otherwise fine, and I wasn’t too worried until I phoned up the vet first thing yesterday morning, where the receptionist, upon hearing my description of the problem, said, “you should bring him in as soon as possible — he might have been hit by a car.”
She then berated me for not coming in with him straight away and generally made me feel like the worst cat owner in the world.
Anyway, it turned out that he had an abscess in his leg. He’s now had it removed, or lanced, or whatever you do to abscesses, and the vet has prescribed tablets to prevent against infection. “It’s easy to give tablets to a cat,” he assured us, “you just open the mouth and put the pill in.”
He doesn’t know Max like I do. But I’m happy to do it, because I love that cat. After all, abscess makes the heart grow fonder. (Ho ho!)
Many English-speaking tourists travelling in nearby Austria make a detour to Wank.
I got a Nintendo DS Lite with Tetris on Friday, so as you can imagine not much has happened this weekend, as I’ve rediscovered the fun of picking up a console for “a quick 5 minute play”, then looking up at the clock a little later and realising that 2 hours have drifted by.
There was a great documentary about Tetris on BBC Four a couple of years ago, which discussed the battle between Nintendo and various other video game companies to secure the rights to the game from its Russian inventor. There’s no sign of it being repeated, unfortunately, but a potted summary is available on the BBC website.
For further information contact the Traveline team on:- National Number 0870 608 2 608. (Available to the public) Staff dedicated Open Golf line 0151 xxx xxxx (not to be given out to the public) Staff general enquiries 0151 xxx xxxx (not to be given out to the public)
Where did I get this non-public information from? Why, from an article on Merseytravel’s website, prominently linked from the main index page, of course.
I’ve xxx’d out the phone numbers in the quote above, but they’re present on the original article. Go and have a look quickly before they spot the mistake. 
Er… what? (MediaGuardian registration required to read article):-
Channel 4 is to bring mass public masturbation to the small screen.
In what must surely be one of the summer’s more bizarre events, hundreds of people are expected to gather in a hall in central London on August 5 to pleasure themselves in aid of charity.
The event will encourage Londoners – both male and female – to sign up sponsors and head to Clerkenwell in order to masturbate in front of hundreds of others.
I could do an obvious joke (something along the lines of “any channel that employs Justin Lee Collins already knows about wankers HA HA!”) but I won’t. I’m taking the high road.
You’ll watch it; don’t pretend you won’t.
Good: “Weird Al” Yankovic has released a new song.
Better: It’s a parody of You’re Beautiful.
Best: It’s available to download for free from his web site.
As part of the Liverpool Comedy Festival, the Liverpool Echo is being “edited” by a different comedian each day. So far, Ken Dodd, Stan Boardman and Brendan Riley have all had a go.
Now, anyone who’s had the misfortune to read the Echo could be forgiven for thinking that it’s been edited by a comedian for years. However, even cynical old me can’t help but agree with this headline: The trams are dead, long live the train.
The article mentions reopening the Wapping Tunnel to connect Liverpool Central and Edge Hill, an idea which was part of the original Merseyrail plans back in the 1970s but never happened due to lack of funds.
I’m not sure it’s practical or even necessary, but who cares? I want it done NOW.
Merseyrail’s engineering works page says there is a bus replacement service between Hunts Cross and Liverpool today. National Rail website concurs. Merseytravel’s Travel alert page says the same, as does BBC Travel News.
I was aware of this in advance and was ready to leave a bit of extra time to catch the bus. Then, as I was in the bathroom getting ready, I heard, through the open window, the distinctive sound of a Merseyrail train accelerating away from the station (the line runs past the back of our house).
I went to the station and found out that trains were actually running normally.
Merseyrail’s left hand, meet Merseyrail’s right hand. Please take the time to find out what it’s doing.
I refer you to my earlier post on the matter.
Eerie, Indiana on Region 2 DVD? That’ll do nicely . Image above links directly to Amazon, if anyone feels like giving me a bit of financial support.
