Robert Hampton

…which is actually an improvement, compared to the strange phase I went through a couple of months ago, when I kept writing 2003 on my cheques for some bizarre reason.

Proper post coming soon — honest!

In a rare show of generosity, my employers have graciously permitted us to have some background music while we work.

The radio in our office is tuned, for some reason, to Wirral’s Buzz 97.1. They have an annoying “fast-paced” style to their news bulletins, with a very brief weather forecast read out beforehand. It’s OK in theory, but this morning the newsreader started her 10am bulletin with the hilarious-sounding (to me, anyway) sentence, “Blustery and wet, I’m Alina Cavanagh.”

I had an argument with a Photo-Me booth today. Sadly the booth won, and my new passport photo looks hideous.

Last night the new sexual orientation discrimination laws were debated in the House of Lords. It’s always amusing when Lord Tebbit collides with the 21st century:-

This is about the requirement for, for example, a bed and breakfast establishment proprietor to facilitate the act of sodomy.

“Facilitate”? What does that mean — providing complimentary lubricant?

Merseyrail train hits buffers — whoops again!

What if humans ate like apes? — that’s all very well, BBC, but that picture at the top of the page is putting all sorts of naughty thoughts into my head.

Preston Off Big Brother storms out of Never Mind the Buzzcocks — January 27th is the date to set your video for.

I believe the word is malaise.

Yeah, that would get services suspended — at one point today almost all of the Merseyrail network was out of action. They’d cleared the trees off the line by the time I went to catch my train, but I still got home 40 minutes late, thanks to a “power surge” which knocked out the signals across the entire Northern Line. The station announcer was keen to emphasise that it was Scottish Power’s fault. Bloody Scottish Power. They’re not owned by Thames Water, perchance?

Apparently the storms are now affecting mainland Europe and Deutsche Bahn has been forced to close down most of its network today. So don’t start whining about British trains being useless and weather-related disruption never happening on the wonderful European railway network. Because if you do, I’ll come round to your house and spank you. Hard. On the buttocks.

How have spammers found out about my top secret personal e-mail address, which is known only to friends and family and is not used on any public website or forum?

Only a couple through in the last few weeks, but still… this is worrying. For me, anyway — I’m sure nobody else is particularly concerned.

Cambridge University geneticist Aubrey de Grey believes medical science will soon have advanced to the point where people will be able to live to the age of 1,000. As if that wasn’t mindblowing enough, check out Aubrey’s fantastic beard!

I quite like the idea of living for ten millennia centuries. Either that, or have my brain transplanted into a robot. Yes, a robot would be nice. With the strength of ten gorillas!

* The title of this post comes from a joke made by Paul Merton in an old episode of Have I Got News for You, which I watched on UK Gold at 2am the other night when I couldn’t sleep. Thanks, Merton. Therton.

The man at the ticket office informed me today that I needed a new passport photo for my TRIO ticket, because “your old one looks like something from Star Trek“.

I’m not sure what he meant by that, but it can’t be good.

This is a fantastic find by lowculture — LEGO-themed kitchenware!

So there I was, on the train home, reading a Liverpool Echo article about the nudey waiter company, Butlers in the Buff (strictly for its journalistic importance, you understand).

There was a quote from employee Chris Evans, 24, from Crosby, who’s happy to whip his trousers off and serve horse-doovers to any random group of strangers who are prepared to pay and thinks it’s all a good laugh. I paused to consider for a moment and then realised (with the help of the accompanying picture showing him “at work”) that this is the same Chris Evans who was in the same year as me at school.

I didn’t really know him at all, but it was still very weird to come across a picture of him like that. Maybe I’m not in a position to criticise, but I expect people from my old school to become barristers, judges or chairmen of major financial institutions, not upmarket strippers.

Apparently he’s Mr October.

Hurrah for dreadful puns!

BBC: Duck comes back from dead, again.

When I opened my Metro this morning, I was thrilled to see a British version of the rather good “I’m a Mac/I’m a PC” ads, starring David Mitchell (taking time out from appearing on every comedy panel game ever invented) and Robert Webb. The ads aren’t bad, although it’s hard to top the original US versions which featured John Hodgman (last seen on The Daily Show as their hilarious Resident Expert).

I want a Mac. And I want one NOW. Somebody buy me one!