Robert Hampton

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8th June 2006

Something about a war, or something…
Posted by at 8.07pm | No responses | In the News

I realise I’ve been reliably miserable about sporting events in the past, but I’ve now decided that it’s better to join ’em than beat ’em. I know nothing about this soccer football of which you speak, but since everyone else is talking about it, I thought I’d better discuss it too.

My understanding of the game is that there are 11 people (usually men) who run around wearing shorts. One of the men on the British team is a man called Wayne Rooney, and if the news reports are to be believed, the other ten are purely for show. If Rooney is injured, then there is NO WAY THAT ENGLAND CAN WIN. It’s important, it was on the BBC and everything!

The FA World Cup is taking place in Germany this year, and Britain is going to win, just like we did in 1945 and 1996. Our victory will be accompanied by people singing terrible yet strangely hummable tunes.

I’ve been watching the news reports, and have come to the conclusion that it is compulsory for British fans to repeatedly mention one of the darkest periods in human history—a time characterised by slaughter, bloodshed and violence—and in the process reduce it to a comical routine of goosestepping, Nazi salutes and simulating a Hitler moustache by putting your finger on your top lip. Everyone will then complain how the Germans don’t have a sense of humour about it.

The excitement could get too much for some people, but fortunately houses up and down the land have been converted to makeshift first-aid posts where emergency medical assistance can be administered.

In short, it’s important to follow the events, because there’s ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE going on. And what else are you going to do? Watch Big Brother? Pah!

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