Robert Hampton

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6th January 2004

Adventures in Public Transport, Part X
Posted by at 6.30pm | 3 responses | Uncategorised

Run out of trains to spot? Fear not, there’s still fun to be had on the railways with my handy cut-out-and-keep guide to Merseyrail passengers! Simply carry this with you on train journeys and tick each example off as you encounter it.

We are all of course familiar with the common BRAINLESS SCALLY and FEET-ON-SEAT MAN, so lets skip ahead to:

  • BAG PILER: Puts her shopping bags on the seat next to her, in the hope that, when the train gets crowded, standing passengers will be too shy to ask her to move them.
  • BUTTOCK SPREADER: Will spread herself across two seats in a row of three to make sure she gets a seat, and never mind anyone else.
  • BIKE BLOCKER: Puts his bike across the aisle, preventing effective exit or entry from the train. Regards all requests to move aside as an affront to his dignity.
  • DESTINATION DOUBTER: Who, despite the presence of a departure board on the platform, destination blind on the front of the train and tannoy announcement by the guard, still self-assuredly boards the train and asks the nearest person: "Does this train go to Kirkby?"
  • DOOR DUMMY: Stares at "out of order" sign on sliding doors, pondering its deeper philosophical and existential significance for hours on end, before realising that it means the doors are out of order and it’s probably a good idea to use the set at the other end of the carriage.
  • ESCALATOR & LATER: Stand two abreast on escalators, thus preventing people in a hurry from getting past.
  • PISS-POOR PARENT: Stares out of the window and pretends not to notice when her offspring run up and down the carriage and jump on the seats.
  • STUPID STANDEE: Stands up even on trains which are half-empty because taking a seat will involve sharing a bay of 4 or 6 seats with a single other person.

I’m sure there are more species to add to this list. And if you recognise any of the above characteristics in yourself, please do me a favour and take the bus instead.

3 Responses
  1. Comment by rob
    6th January 2004 at 10:31 pm

    you forgot the ‘possibly dangerous insane man’. I’m sure you’ve encountered the species on many occasions.

  2. Comment by Seb
    7th January 2004 at 12:49 am

    I put my feet on the seat sometimes, especially if I’m tired.

    Far worse are the old people who think it’s their divine right to police the trains.

  3. Comment by Seb
    7th January 2004 at 12:51 am

    I do, however, hate those people who block the escalators. People in Liverpool have yet to realise that you’re meant to stand on the right, walk on the left.

    If you stand on the left in London, you get pushed out of the way. Simple as.