Robert Hampton

I am officially fed up with being a fat bastard. I’ve just used the NHS BMI calculator which says I am overweight. Before anyone jumps in to point out the flaws in the Body Mass Index system, don’t bother — I am well aware of them. I am also aware of my own body, and I feel unhealthy. More importantly, there is a picture of me on the Mersey Tart site where I appear to have a life ring around my waist under my t-shirt.

It didn’t help that my birthday celebrations involved eating a lot of food in a restaurant, and that most of my presents were chocolate-related in some way (I also asked for Steve Appleton‘s debut album, but at £6.99 that was apparently a bit expensive). After a horrible loss of self-control yesterday, where I ate an entire box of chocolate orange segments in one go, I have now realised that something must be done.

(Incidentally, in the big box of Celebrations I received, there seemed to be about 100 Bountys and only six Galaxy Caramels. Where’s the justice?)

Previous attempts to lose weight have started well, but have always foundered after a couple of weeks. So I’m posting about it here in the hope that it will motivate me to make more of an effort, lest I be shamed by a public failure.

So, let’s get started. I currently weigh 90 kilograms – that’s when naked (and by the way, if you’re going to weigh yourself like this, don’t use the print-your-weight machine at Boots).

I think a reasonable target is to lose 12 kilograms by Christmas (bikini season — in Australia, anyway). That’s about 2 stone, if you’re old-fashioned and out-of-touch and using Imperial measurements.

So, I’m going to start eating more sensibly — no more deep fried crap, cut out desserts, reduce portion sizes, that sort of thing. I will also get my gym programme updated to be a bit more strenuous.

In the meantime, it would help if, instead of tutting and sighing and saying, “oh Rob, you’re not fat,” you used one of these suitable alternative greetings:-

• “Your rotund figure calls to mind the ghost of Luciano Pavarotti”
• “You should have “WIDE LOAD” tattooed on your buttocks, just like Homer in Simpsons episode 9F22!”
• “I walked past the all-you-can-eat buffet place earlier today and noticed that they had ceased trading. Is that anything to do with you, or alternatively is it just another small business affected by the global credit crunch? I suspect the former!”

Stay tuned to find out what happens next — assuming I remember to post updates here, which is by no means guaranteed.