Robert Hampton

There was a strange woman standing outside Moorfields station today, asking passers-by if they had any jump leads.

Just thought I’d mention it.

I pack my bags
And head into hyperspace
Velocity at timewarp speed
Spend my days in ultraviolet rays
Fun, fun, fun!
In the sun, sun, sun!

We’re locked on course
Straight through the universe
You and me and the galaxy
Reached this stage, this hyperpathic age
Fun, fun, fun!
In the sun, sun, sun!

The great thing about CD-released extended versions of TV themes is that they usually have an extra bit you never hear on the telly. And in the case of the Red Dwarf theme quoted above, you can understand why. Seriously, the Red Dwarf theme is great, why extend it any further? (requirement for cheap cash in TV themes album notwithstanding)

What does hyperpathic mean, anyway? I’m not actually sure that’s the correct lyric, but it’s quoted on at least three fan sites. It’s didactic all over again.

Update: Listened to it again, and I think it might be "the hyperdrive’s engaged"

The latest parcel from amazon.co.uk arrived yesterday, and I must say I’m disappointed. I have only myself to blame, I suppose; I should stop buying things purely because they contain the word gay or food in the title.

I also got that ST:TNG/X-Men crossover I mentioned the other day — haven’t started reading it yet, though.

Nearly got killed by a firework tonight. I now know that when the instructions say "secure to an upright post", they mean it.

When you’re bored (and if you’re reading this page, you must be), pass the time by offending Christians: make your own church signs here.

Thanks to Nick Barlow for the link.

Gays and lesbians should go to a psychiatrist to try to become heterosexual, a senior church leader has said.

So this is yet another example of love, tolerance and mutual respect from our highly-regarded, intelligent Christian leadership. I suspect Peter Forster’s opinion is the real view of the church: we’ll put up with gay people, but we’d prefer it if they went away completely.

I’m so angry about this. Not sure about the police investigation into him, though. If people can be arrested for making stupid and ignorant statements, I’m going down for a long stretch (ooo-er).

From today’s Daily Mail, under the headline “How Low Can Britney Go?”:-

[Britney Spears] appeared on stage wearing trousers so low-cut at the front that they revealed almost a full inch of her purple underwear.

What I want to know is: which lucky Daily Mail reporter took the measurements? :-)

I haven’t got around to checking out the current edition of The Onion, but Rob B (yes, him) pointed me towards this article:-

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In a turn of events the 30-year-old characterized as “horrifying,” Kevin Widmar announced Tuesday that his mother Lillian has discovered his weblog.

It’s a terrifying thought, isn’t it?

Yesterday I asked my Mum what she wanted from me for Christmas. She said she’d seen an interesting-looking book about a Jewish girl who escaped the horrors of the Holocaust in Nazi Germany by becoming a prostitute.

I think I’ll just get her bubble bath.

Merseyrail are offering Christmas shoppers the chance to travel on their trains for just 50p return every Thursday evening from now until Christmas.

Not particularly interesting for me as I have a monthly season ticket anyway. But it does give me the opportunity to recite my favourite public transport joke (and I have many to choose from, believe me):-

Psychiatrists say men choose a vehicle to compensate for a perceived inadequacy in their penis. Well, my transport of choice is Merseyrail: it’s the size of a county and comes every 15 minutes.

Of course, if I take that metaphor to its logical conclusion, it means my penis is less comfortable to sit on, takes slightly longer to get to the end with frequent stops and is less intensively-worked at night. Then on Sundays my penis might be replaced by a bus for part of its length.

And in the evenings there’s always two or three scally kids inside causing trouble, but we won’t go into that.

I got on the train this morning, spied an empty seat and made a dash for it. Empty seats are something of a rarity on rush hour Liverpool-bound services.

The bloke sitting next to me must have had a cold, because for the entire 12-minute journey, all I could hear was Sniff, Snort, Sniff, Snort, Sniff, Snort, Sniff, Snort, Sniff, Snort, Sniff, Snort, Sniff, Snort, Sniff, Snort, Sniff, Snort, Sniff, Snort, Sniff, Snort, Sniff, Snort, Sniff, Snort, Sniff, Snort.

JUST BLOW YOUR FRIGGIN’ NOSE!

As President Bush arrives in the UK for his photo opportunity state visit, the Guardian have done something interesting: they’ve gathered together 60 people from all walks of life, and asked each of them to write a letter to the President. So click through and enjoy 60 letters to George W Bush.

I stopped by Paradise Street Bus Station this morning to renew my TRIO ticket. Inside the bus station was an elderly man with a beard, wearing a filthy raincoat, urinating against a “Where To Catch Your Bus” information poster. When he noticed me staring, he shouted, “I could have been somebody!”

I’m going to renew at the railway station from now on.

As someone who hates all team sports with almost equal measure, I think it’s funny how we as a nation get all worked up about a sport that we’re not very good at and end up bitterly disappointed every time, while a sport that we’re actually quite good at was completely ignored until a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway, well done to whoever it was.

Legal recognition of gay and lesbian relationships is something that is long overdue, so I was happy to see that the Queen’s Speech included civil partnerships for same-sex couples (although why the Government has to pander to the religious right by avoiding the word “marriage” is a mystery).

This is not, as the scaremongering right-wing press would like people to think, about a “gay rights” crusade, it is a common-sense measure to ensure fairness and justice for all. No-one with a sane mind could possibly be opposed to this plan, and as if to prove it, Norman Tebbit is opposed to this plan:-

Is it really the view of the Telegraph that … a man should be able to leave his estate free of tax to a toy-boy lover, but not to his own son