Robert Hampton

Parking bay MP branded ‘an oaf’

The row erupted after Mr Steen was fined for leaving his car in a disabled bay at Newton Abbot railway station.

The Totnes MP said there was an “absurd number of handicapped spaces” and national regulations should be changed.

He said he had been “rushing” to Westminster and had used the disabled bay because the car park was full.

Now, if the oaf wants to moan about daft disabled provision, he could have a look at Aigburth station. A few months back workmen descended en masse and spent several weeks diligently working. They installed a new ticket office counter that can be lowered for wheelchair users. They levelled out the station entrance so people in wheelchairs no longer have to negotiate an awkward step to reach the ticket office. They carefully marked out a disabled parking space, right next to the ticket office.

It was an excellent refurbishment, and wheelchair users would be in heaven, were it not for the fact that the only way to reach the platforms is by a steep flight of steps.

Russia is pointing nuclear weapons at us, Tony Blair is still Prime Minister and Big Brother is occupying 80% of all newspaper and TV airtime, but forget all that and rejoice, for I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue is back! With Stephen Fry! And jokes at the expense of ITV Play!

Glancing through my TV listings magazine the other day, I was pleased to notice a late-night programme called ITV Play, and anticipated a cultural experience with an hour or two of Pinter or Ayckbourn. You can imagine my surprise on tuning in to find a pair of chavs asking me to phone up to guess how many sides there are on a triangle. Now the BBC are at it. Well, as a long-time supporter of public service broadcasting I’ll tell them where they can stick their ill-gained profits… Straight in my top pocket, as soon as we finish this week’s I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Chance premium-rate phone quiz.

So, new Olympics logo, then.

Lord Coe says it will “define the Games we hold” — well, it cost far too much and is a huge disappointment, so that sounds about right.

All in all, colour me unimpressed. I much prefer this version.

It would be almost amusing if, after all the hand-wringing over the Middle East in recent years, the coming Armageddon is started by a conflict with Russia after all.

I found this video on YouTube of two people playing Pilotwings on the SNES.

I felt a ripple of nostalgia taking me right back to when I was 10 years old. I’d go from school to my cousin Alan’s house for lunch every day, where we’d fire up the console and spend an hour playing away happily, just like they’re doing here.

…well, except Alan wasn’t (and still isn’t) a woman. And I wasn’t quite that fat back then.

When I get round to buying a Wii, Pilotwings is definitely first on the list to download for the Virtual Console.

So farewell, Stingray Timmins. You entered Ramsay Street in a blaze of glory back in 2003. You overcame ADHD, reconciled with your brother Dylan and won the hearts of Rachel Kinski and Sky Mangel. More than that, you managed to overcome your crippling alcoholism in the space of 3 episodes. Well done — usually it takes a lot longer!

The powers-that-be at Neighbours have killed off one of their best characters. Spiggin’ hufters.

Dell’s support tool normally sits unobtrusively in my system tray, happily lurking in the background as I work, secretly recording all my activies and forwarding them to the US Government (that last part is is a lie). Until earlier this week, that is, when a message popped up: “BIOS Update Available” — recommended to keep your system up to date.

Well, I like to be up to date, so I downloaded the update and ran it. It popped up an ominous message about unplugging all USB devices except the keyboard and mouse. That done, I ran the update. The program chugged along merrily enough, slowly counting up to 100%. When it had finished, it popped up a message which was succinct and to the point: “FAILURE! FAILURE! FAILURE!”

Now, I’m fairly confident with computers, and even I found this message alarming and unhelpful, so God knows what your average Joe MySpace would have thought.

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Bob Monkhouse has been resurrected via the miracle of computer technology, to appear in a new advert for the Prostate Cancer Research Foundation. The end result is… odd.

But… hey, no news is good news, right?

Right?

Hello?

I’m going to come out and say it: Hooray for good old-fashioned Light Entertainment bollocks on ITV1! Britain’s Got Talent was actually fairly entertaining, and it pissed all over Big Brother in the ratings, which is all to the good.

I was rooting for Damon Scott and Bubbles to win, but I think Paul Potts‘s victory was on the cards from the moment he moved That Woman Who Cheated On Les Dennis to tears at his first audition.

At least neither of the two annoying bratty kids won. “If I win it will be supercalifragilisticexpialidocious,” said one of them to Ant (or was it Dec?) in a lovely and completely uncoached moment which made me want to throw up.

Now, let’s take a moment to commemorate the also-rans:-

Here’s another good one; I love to see cats in a light entertainment context.

A question that has come up a few times in conversation is: “are we too reliant on mobile phones?”

I always maintained that we’re not; however, having seen a woman at the gym tonight, jogging at a fair speed on a treadmill while simultaneously composing a text message, I think I might have to reconsider that view.

Things that happened while you were watching Big Brother, you moron.

Merseyside’s stupidest criminal

Robber caught after policeman calls him on the mobile he had just stolen. And the picture in the article makes him look so intelligent, too.

Derelict building to become work of art

I walked past this yesterday on the way to the station — and it was switched off! It was only 6.30pm, what’s going on there?!

Lingerie firm founder rejects MBE

Salman Who? Joseph Corre says he finds Tony Blair “morally corrupt”. His lingerie is very comfortable! Er, so I’m told.

Post strike threat as talks fail

Strike action is a shrewd move by the postal workers — it will cripple the country because there are absolutely no alternative methods of sending letters. Well, apart from fax or e-mail. But you’ll be stumped if you need to send a parcel, because there are only hundreds of parcel courier firms!

Remember that Neighbours cameo by Lou and Andy that was… oh, let’s say “exclusively revealed” on this blog earlier this year? Well, here it is (spoiler alert, I suppose):-

I’m sure I’m not the only one thinking, “is that it?!”

(found via BBC America, of all places).

After seeing their bravura performance in Doctor Who tonight, the thought occurred to me: McFly need their own sitcom. Like The Monkees, only much better, because it has McFly instead!

My idea is that they’re sharing a flat, and as well as being international music superstars, they solve mysteries, with the help of Alan, their manager. Like Josie and the Pussycats, only much better, because it has McFly instead!

They would use their own unique brand of Pop Rock to escape from sticky situations. Jewel thieves, diamond smugglers and Old Man Dithers Who Wanted To Scare All The People Away From The Abandoned Mine So He Could Have The Gold For Himself would see the error of their ways after hearing a few bars of It’s All About You.

Then, to congratulate themselves on a job well done, they’d go back to their flat and have sex with each other. Like Queer as Folk, only much better, because it has McFly instead!

DISCLAIMER: McFly are only homosexual in my imagination.

My inner trainspotter was released on Sunday.

In other news, the gym I normally go to after work is closed for three weeks for refurbishment work. This is a disaster for me — I need to stay fit and healthy by keeping active!

I would go to another one, but it’s a bit of a walk, so I can’t be bothered.

Back in May, days before Blair’s resignation, BBC Parliament replayed the BBC’s 1997 Election Night coverage in its entirety. Watching the cheering crowds (and a clearly audible “wanker!” directed at John Major as he drove away from Buckingham Palace), I remembered the genuine excitement and optimism about Labour’s landslide victory. This wasn’t false hope, it seemed oh-so-real at the time.

However, I can’t help but feel that many people were cheering just as loudly today, when he left office.

Ruth Kelly is Transport Secretary!

What’s the Opus Dei policy on main line railway electrification?

I am not the host of a late night comedy show, but if I was, this would be one of my jokes for tonight:

Police have defused an explosive device in a car parked in London’s theatre district. Officials say if it had gone off, it would have been the biggest bomb in the West End since Wilde: The Musical.

I originally wanted to do a Ben Elton joke, but then I discovered that his musical is still running! Unbelievable!

I do appreciate the reasoning behind the impending smoking ban. I wouldn’t have gone for the 100% Nanny State approach that the government have taken, but I think it’s the right message to send out.

However, I think I know what’s going to happen come tomorrow morning: a lot of money will be spent by businesses on putting up No Smoking signs at every feasible location, and those same signs will be ignored by smokers, who will continue to light up in buses, shopping centres and underground stations (after all, what’s the worst that could happen?)

One of the saddest things I read was that bingo halls may have to close down because people wouldn’t be allowed to smoke between games and would therefore just stay at home. Are people really that addicted that they would forego a social activity for their habit?